Taxing Us All

Sunday, April 17, 2016 – Taxing Us All

The subjects of every state ought to contribute towards the support of the government, as nearly as possible, in proportion to their respective abilities. ~ Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations: An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations

The expenses of government, having for their object the interests of all, should be borne by everyone, and the more a man enjoys the advantages of society, the more he ought to hold himself honored in contributing to these expenses. ~ Anne-Robert-Jacques Turgot

Friends and neighbors complain that taxes are indeed very heavy, and if those laid on by the government were the only ones we had to pay, we might the more easily discharge them; but we have many others, and much more grievous to some of us. We are taxed twice as much by our idleness, three times as much by our pride, and four times as much by our folly. ~ Benjamin Franklin

I like to pay taxes. With them, I buy civilization. ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes, if I knew they were going to a friendly country. ~ Dick Gregory

I’m proud to be paying taxes in the U.S. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money. ~ Arthur Godfrey

I am thankful for the taxes I pay because it means that I’m employed. ~ Nancie J. Carmody

April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They’ll give you the same advice that they’ve given hundreds of corporations – taxes are for douche bags. ~ Ed Helms

We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes. ~ Leona Helmsley

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. ~ John Maynard Keynes

The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose. ~ William Simon

Taxation, for example, is eternally lively; it concerns nine-tenths of us more directly than either smallpox or golf, and has just as much drama in it; moreover, it has been mellowed and made gay by as many gaudy, preposterous theories. ~ H. L. Mencken

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks. ~ Bauvard

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don’t know when it’s through if you are a crook or a martyr. ~ Will Rogers

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? ~ Peg Bracken

The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation. ~ Nikolai Lenin

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing. ~ Jean-Baptiste Colbert

The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don’t have to pay taxes, naturally, no one wants to live any other way. ~ Judith Martin

Pothinus: “Is it possible that Caesar, the conqueror of the world, has time to occupy himself with such a trifle as our taxes?” Caesar: “My friend, taxes are the chief business of a conqueror of the world.” ~ George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra

Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either. ~ Gerald Barzan

The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it’s more like a tired feeling, really. ~ Paula Poundstone

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. ~ Douglas Adams

Death and taxes may be inevitable, but they shouldn’t be related. ~ J. C. Watts, Jr.

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. ~ Will Rogers

Death and taxes and childbirth! There’s never a convenient time for any of them. ~ Margaret Mitchell

OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors… and miss. ~ Robert Heinlein

Philosophy teaches a man that he can’t take it with him; taxes teach him he can’t leave it behind either. ~ Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

It was as true as taxes are. And nothing’s truer than them. ~ Charles Dickens

Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you’d find at least one sex scene (“‘Yes, yes, YES!’ moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture”). ~ Dave Barry

Question: “I understand that Congress is considering a so-called ‘flat’ tax system. How would this work?” Answer: “If Congress were to pass a ‘flat’ tax, you’d simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn’t have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool.” ~ Dave Barry

Being in love is like being lit on fire and having your loved one morph into a marshmallow as she runs to embrace you. But not being in love feels so much worse, possibly like being a tax collector. Actually, nothing compares to the lowliness of a tax collector. ~ Jarod Kintz

I had a dream about you. You were wearing an ice cream cone for a hat, and I was wearing a dunce cap. You were jealous of me because my hat was a bigger cone than yours, and I was jealous of you because your hat was edible. In the end we decided to thumb wrestle for the right for one of us to declare we were “The Keeper of The Cone.” You won, but only because you hired a team of Washington DC lobbyists to rewrite the official thumb wrestling rulebook in your favor. The rulebook went from one page to over 3,000 pages, which also included several hidden taxes that you said needed to be implemented before they could be understood or appreciated. ~ Jarod Kintz

The hidden cost of frowning is the negative impact on the people around you, which results in diminished productivity in the workforce, and lost tax revenue for the city. Thus, frowns should be fined, and smiles should be taxed (since they increase productivity). With policies like these, who could argue that I wouldn’t make the perfect politician? ~ Jarod Kintz

Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us to pay income taxes, too? ~ Bill Veeck

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