Tax Time Again

Sunday, April 17, 2011 – Tax Time Again

Death and taxes and childbirth! There’s never a convenient time for any of them. – Margaret Mitchell

The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation. – Nikolai Lenin

OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one’s environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. – Ambrose Bierce

Taxes are what we pay for civilized society. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. – Will Rogers

I’m proud to be paying taxes in the U.S. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half the money. – Arthur Godfrey

The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing. – Jean-Baptiste Colbert

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. – John Maynard Keynes

We don’t pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes. – Leona Helmsley

April is tax month. If you are having trouble filing your taxes, then you should hire an accountant. They’ll give you the same advice that they’ve given hundreds of corporations – taxes are for douche bags. ~ Ed Helms

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents? – Peg Bracken

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don’t know when it’s through if you are a crook or a martyr. – Will Rogers

The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose. – William Simon

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors… and miss. – Robert Heinlein

Philosophy teaches a man that he can’t take it with him; taxes teach him he can’t leave it behind either. – Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

It was as true… as taxes is. And nothing’s truer than them. – Charles Dickens

Death and taxes may be inevitable, but they shouldn’t be related. – J. C. Watts, Jr.

Pothinus: “Is it possible that Caesar, the conqueror of the world, has time to occupy himself with such a trifle as our taxes?”‘Caesar: “My friend, taxes are the chief business of a conqueror of the world.” – George Bernard Shaw, “Caesar and Cleopatra”

Taxation, for example, is eternally lively; it concerns nine-tenths of us more directly than either smallpox or golf, and has just as much drama in it; moreover, it has been mellowed and made gay by as many gaudy, preposterous theories. – H.L. Mencken

I wouldn’t mind paying taxes – if I knew they were going to a friendly country. – Dick Gregory

Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either. ~ Gerald Barzan

The expenses of government, having for their object the interest of all, should be borne by everyone, and the more a man enjoys the advantages of society, the more he ought to hold himself honored in contributing to those expenses. ~ Anne Robert Jacques Turgot

Of course the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in there. I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you’d find at least one sex scene (“‘Yes, yes, YES!’ moaned Vanessa as Lance, his taut body moist with moisture, again and again depreciated her adjusted gross rate of annualized fiscal debenture”). ~ Dave Barry

Question: ” I understand that Congress is considering a so-called ‘flat’ tax system. How would this work?” Answer: “If Congress were to pass a ‘flat’ tax, you’d simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn’t have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected groups, and normal people would actually understand the tax laws, and giant talking broccoli stalks would come around and mow your lawn for free, because Congress is NOT going to pass a flat tax, you pathetic fool.” ~ Dave Barry

I am thankful for the taxes I pay because it means that I’m employed. ~ Nancie J. Carmody

The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it’s more like a tired feeling, really. ~ Paula Poundstone

Friends and neighbors complain that taxes are indeed very heavy, and if those laid on by the government were the only ones we had to pay, we might the more easily discharge them; but we have many others, and much more grievous to some of us. We are taxed twice as much by our idleness, three times as much by our pride, and four times as much by our folly. ~ Benjamin Franklin

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons. ~ Douglas Adams.

Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us to pay income taxes, too? ~ Bill Veeck