The Kids

Sunday, May 23, 2010 – The Kids

All is in the hands of man. Therefore wash them often. ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Children are all foreigners. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. ~ David Richerby

Everything you can imagine is real. ~ Pablo Picasso

We’ve had bad luck with our kids – they’ve all grown up. ~ Christopher Morley

Kids: they dance before they learn there is anything that isn’t music. ~ William Stafford

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. ~ Fran Lebowitz

In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children. The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted. The result is unruly children and childish adults. ~ Thomas Szasz

Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they’re going to catch you in next. ~ Franklin P. Jones

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are children playing in the streets who could solve some of my top problems in physics, because they have modes of sensory perception that I lost long ago. ~ J. Robert Oppenheimer

In America there are two classes of travel – first class, and with children. ~ Robert Benchley

Children’s talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, 1969

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. ~ Edgar W. Howe

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. ~ Frederick Douglass

Children are contemptuous, haughty, irritable, envious, sneaky, selfish, lazy, flighty, timid, liars and hypocrites, quick to laugh and cry, extreme in expressing joy and sorrow, especially about trifles, they’ll do anything to avoid pain but they enjoy inflicting it: little men already. ~ Jean de La Bruyère, Les Caractères, 1688

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did. ~ Yogi Berra

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued. ~ Bob Hope

Adopted kids are such a pain – you have to teach them how to look like you. ~ Gilda Radner

Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas. ~ Paula Poundstone

What’s the difference between sex and love? I have four wives and five kids. I apparently don’t know the difference. ~ James Caan

We have two kids, my wife and myself. ~ Thelonious Monk

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job. ~ Roseanne Barr

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. ~ Dick Cavett

Smack your child every day. If you don’t know why – he does. ~ Joey Adams

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. ~ Robert Orben

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it. ~ Mark Twain

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. ~ Erma Bombeck

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires. ~ Dorothy Parker

Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. ~ W. C. Fields

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. ~Sam Levenson

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. ~ Bette Davis

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. ~ Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~ Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it. ~ Jean Kerr

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. ~ P.J. O’Rourke

The distinction between children and adults, while probably useful for some purposes, is at bottom a specious one, I feel. There are only individual egos, crazy for love. ~ Niccolo Machiavelli

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~ Gore Vidal