Oh Doctor!

Sunday, July 31, 2011 – Oh Doctor!

Restore a man to his health, his purse lies open to thee. ~ Robert Burton

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for. ~ James H. Boren

A hospital should also have a recovery room adjoining the cashier’s office. ~ Francis O’Walsh

My doctor gave me six months to live but when I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me six months more. ~ Walter Matthau

To array a man’s will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine. ~ Henry Ward Beecher

It is a good thing for a physician to have prematurely grey hair and itching piles. The first makes him appear to know more than he does, and the second gives him an expression of concern which the patient interprets as being on his behalf. ~ A. Benson Cannon

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. ~ Voltaire

The fact that your patient gets well does not prove that your diagnosis was correct. ~ Samuel J. Meltzer

Today we have big, crude instruments guided by intelligent surgeons, and we have little, stupid molecules of drugs that get dumped into the body, diffuse around and interfere with things as best they can. At present, medicine is unable to heal anything. ~ K. Eric Drexler

There is no curing a sick man who believes himself to be in health. ~ Henri Amiel

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust. ~ Don Herold

Medicine is the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence. ~ James Bryce

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn’t organized to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals. ~ Ivan Illich

Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram?” Everytime I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. ~ Jan King

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~ Erma Bombeck

Despite all our toil and progress, the art of medicine still falls somewhere between trout casting and spook writing. ~ Ben Hecht

He’s the best physician that knows the worthlessness of the most medicines. ~ Benjamin Franklin

The field of Western medicine has become literally nothing but medicine. Doctors are on their way out, to be replaced by self-serve pharmaceutical vending machines. ~ Grey Livingston

And lo, The Hospital, grey, quiet, old, Where Life and Death like friendly chafferers meet. ~ William Ernest Henley

Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic. ~ Thomas Szasz

When a man goes through six years training to be a doctor he will never be the same. He knows too much. ~ Enid Bagnold

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. ~ George Carlin

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor. ~ Abe Lemons

I regret to this day that I never went to college. I feel I should have been a doctor. ~ Ty Cobb

I suppose one has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience. ~ Alice James

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. ~ Joe E. Lewis

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso. ~ Rita Rudner

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn’t afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. ~ Joey Bishop

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you. ~ Wendy Liebman

The best doctor is the one you run to and can’t find. ~ Denis Diderot

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine. ~ Lord Byron

Health is the state about which medicine has nothing to say. ~ W. H. Auden

Let me recommend the best medicine in the world: a long journey, at a mild season, through a pleasant country, in easy stages. ~ James Madison

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